Everyone needs compassion

I was going to write this post yesterday while I was on my high but my Internet decided not to work so here I am one day later and I am still reeling in the awesome-ness of church yesterday. Now, I am not saying that I am screaming-from-the-roof-tops-huge-grin-on-my-face-jumping-for-joy-happy but I am happy in a way. Church yesterday I believe was a turning point for me :D I have never felt like this before and this IS a new beginning for me. I am reading 1 Peter in my quiet times this week and WOW! Peter is one of my favorite books in the Bible. I mean, I read one chapter at a time and then pray and meditate on it so I can get the full effect. So I only read 1 Peter 1 last night. I couldn't believe the stuff that was in there. It was exactly the stuff I needed. So now I can't help it but to be happy. None of the crap in my life has died down, and to be honest I feel as though it is about to get a lot worse, and nothing has gotten better except my relationship with Christ. And that is all that matters. I am so excited that I can write a positive and up-beat post finally. :D :D :D :D :D

I feel as though the calling on my life is impossible...I know a lot of people feel that way and God will show us how to do what He wants us to do but...I'm scared. Church yesterday was one of the best services, and now I have to figure out a way to be at church all through out the summer because I want to hear this entire series...things are going to happen in the series I can feel it, something big has already happened to me, but so much more is coming.

W,AJNRF;KWJGJAMWNDSFHA'DLGB;ALJGVABSEFG;LASNDFV BSAEGNBSPRG;HJAESGIBA E,.RNG;AESHGAESNBG;IJES/G;AES;GL/JAESGO;HAESRLGKNAELKGHAER;LKNGF;AKESHJG;AERG;JESN;GUJ!!!!!
That is not my version of cussing, that is me being so joyful that I can't find the words...that's what I am, joyful, not happy. Happy is circumstantial...or however you spell that.

I can't wait to report more of what God is doing in my life...I'm ready to be joyful!!!

Free to be Me

AERNFAWLESDFMNAW;OESF/LJANVW;SOL/CJANERW;TFLJAWEKF;LJA BIT; RILKTQWUEAG WLKCVLKUETJ WGP;BLMCPQ;OWTUWOEH TWUEIRTHWOI OE WQ OE;THWKAEBF;JF;LAISHRJ;WERG;LJESTIUWESHDGV;JSRLKJJD;GWESRTGJSEGTIHJESGNSLEOI;TJESRGJSEDFGU;IDSLJGNEISUTJESIRUT
ITJGKSERNG;LDSJTSDJFGLKWAETIGJSD;KRLJTRHLSDJGTF;AWSDJGKSEBTHG;LJ;RTAJESD;F


Now that I got that out of my system...I have nothing really to say other than just once I would like to report something positive on here...but nothing positive ever happens. I'm sick of it. I want to be happy...yes, I know that God doesn't want us to be happy...you had to be at PB service a few weeks ago to understand, but I would at least like a Lil bit of joy. I think the only way I can get that is to get away for at least a weekend...but that will never happen. I can't even get away for a day. I am always working. There are just so many things in my life right now that's crap I don't want to spill it all on here. I feel like I have no one anymore. Seriously. I can;t remember the last time I saw/had a real convo with my best friend. A text every now and then and a few mins on AIM the other day. That's not a real relationship...Relationships suck! I am just so tired of everything in my life right now...

Sorry to sound so emo, but right now that is how I am feeling...seriously emo...

Come to Haunt me

Everyone has those things in your past that you regret right? Well I am good at not thinking about them and blocking them out so I only remember them if I want to. Well today a memory...a few actually...entered my already weak psyche...or however you spell it. I was reading one of my old journals and was reminded of a mistake I made in high school, ninth grade year to be exact. Now at the time I didn't see it as a mistake...well a few days later I did cause I almost got the crap kicked out of me but whatever. But I never thought anything of it. Now I tell 2 people in the whole world everything. But this is something I can't even tell them. I have no clue why I am going off about this...it's just. I haven't found anything up till now in my life that I couldn't tell them. It's not even like...OOBER bad...well it is in my eyes. I can't even believe I did that.........Okay, that's a lie. I know EXACTLY why I did it. But why did it have to come out now? I wanted to read my old journal, but why today? There was so much stuff in there that...I don't believe I wrote. Totally looking back on my life I can't believe I am here today. I don't deserve anything that I have in my life. My friends and my relationships. Nothing I did can make me deserve all of this...

Speaking of being undeserving. Today is the day that Christ sacrificed HIS life for us. We did not and never will deserve what He did for us. WOW! I mean right? He's amazing!!! He was sinless...but He came to earth as a human and went through enormous amounts of torture and died on a Cross for us...US. We were/are sinners and still He died for us. How can you not love Him? I don't get it!!!

+

I'M SUCH A WHORE!!!!

Nerdy Pickle!

Well now, this is fun. It is 12 30 in the morning and I am sitting in the dark playing on my computer. Why you ask...I don't know! I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, but I just can't. There is too much stuff going on in my mind right now. But everyone I know is sane and are in bed right now. I have to be the retarded one that sits in the dark writing a blog to herself.

Question : How sad is it that I get butterflies when I talk to someone on the computer? And if you are reading this and you think it is you you are wrong...and vain. But you probably aren't reading this because you like my best friend. At least that was the consensus last time I checked but I think he likes my other best friend who is, ironically, the same girl that the other guy I like likes...if that makes sense. I hate...no, I loathe talking about myself but I can live with it when I am talking to myself and chances are no one is going to read this...nope, that's a lie I know one person that will read this and hopefully I am making no sense so I don't have to talk about it. I'm tired of thinking about it. I just want to move on with my life...is that too much to ask?


Apparently!


Let me think...I need to do something for myself. Really. I want to get out of here for alil while and be someone different. I don't want to be Jeana Lombardi. I want to be...the complete opposite if me. Just for a little while. Escape the crap hole that has become my life and relax. Something I never do anymore. I am working 24/7. ;LIERGJESRGHAEKRGFSEGJBSERGJES;RGAEGEJRGJVLEKVHNSELGBSE;RIGNERGSERGJBVEGNESKGN!!!\

Does this sound weird to you? I don't get my hopes up when I meet someone new because chances are they don't keep me in their life's long enough to say a full sentence. My friend thinks I'm being ridiculous...but do you know how bad it hurts when one day you have a lot of friends and then the next you're like a social pariah? It hurts...bad. I have blocked myself off from ever getting hurt like that again. That's not crazy right? You learn from your past and you make precautions for the future. That's what I'm doing. I am guarding my heart. No one knows all there is to know about me...Hell, I don't even know all there is to know about me. and I'm me!

This is so stupid. I don't write for a couple days and then it's along blog about nothing and me complaining about my life. I just needed something to do. I'm waiting...for someone I shouldn't be waiting on...this is not guarding my heart well. Prepare for war heart...we're about to fit another. There's just gonna be one more crack to putty up. you know what they say..."Time and a couple day laborers heals all wounds"...

STUPID NERDY PICKLE!!!

ONE YEAR!!!

So, pain equals no sleep for me. I cannot get comfortable because I am burned on the most awkward places. Like my back and shoulders and legs so I can't get comfortable. This is leaving me loads of time to think...about everything. My life is out of whack. Seriously. I can't seem to get a handle on anything. I have never been an emotional person...but now, I cry at everything. I have read a book numerous times and have never had a problem with it. I just finished it again and by the time I hit "The End" I had tears streaming down my face...and it wasn't even sad...it was happy. Now, I know what you are thinking..."it's a female thing...all women are over-emotional" But it's not. I was brought up believing that if you cried you were weak...I have grown out of this belief once I found my belief in Jesus but I still don't cry too much. But lately...JEEZ! It's getting ridiculous! I'm sure it would be better if my life wasn't so crappy but...

My relationships...with everyone, my family and my friends and even my relationship with
Jesus...is seriously lacking. Everything seems to be distant. I can't muster up the excitement that I used to have for reading the Bible and studying His word. I hate it! I want it so bad. I never get the things I want and I guess that is what the Devil is playing into. But on the brighter...side, today is exactly ONE YEAR for me...breaking a habit is hard, I mean really hard, but I am one year today...technically at about 8 tonight but...still. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in the past year! I love you!!!!

Okay, one last thing. If you know me you know that I love Twilight. I was watching Twilight the other night during one of these really bad storms, it calms me, and I realized something. I don't believe in Fairy Tales, at all. The knight in shining armor and him swooping in to save the damsel in distress (however you spell it...you know what I'm talking about)...CRAP. I have been trying to lately. Really. There is a book out called "How to keep a Princess Heart in a not-so-Fairy-Tale-world" Or something to that effect. Anyway, it talks about how women, no matter what age or place in their lives, always hope for their knight to come in and save them. You really need to read the book. I am cynical, still, but again I am working on it. I thought this thing was crap. But it's not. I want man to come in and save me. Obviously not like I'm in quicksand and I need him to pull me out...Though honestly that is where I feel right now. But I want him to come in and save me!!! As I was watching Twilight I wanted that kind of romance. I mean, he loves her so much that he will give his life to make her safe. He would give up his own life for her. he is putting himself in pain because he wants to be with her so bad. And, leave it up to me to find this similarity-most of you will either not see it or not agree with me-but I see it as what Jesus did for us. He loves us SO MUCH that He gave His life so that we could live with Him everyday. That's Love!!! And I realized, you know what? I have that kind of romance. With God. There is no romance that's any better. He has come in and saved me like no one else can. I am not cynical of His love for me. I know I don't deserve it but I know He loves me anyway. That's more than anyone could ever ask for.

For you...

I have this feeling that one of my friends needs some SERIOUS encouraging. I dont even know if they read this blog or care but I am here for you! I know every now and then I get discouraged and there is always someone there that knows I need it. And now I am here for you. On second thought I dont know if it's someone I personally know...but Im still here. Obviously it's someone that may or may not read my blog seeing as I am writing it here...but still. It is so much easier to get through something when you have someone to talk to. And I am here. I always thought I never had a job in life, well my job right now is to listen to you...no giving advice...just listening while you talk about whatever is beating you down. And let me tell you something...YOU WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!! I dont know what it is but you will come out a winner. I promise you that.

Things happen in the country

So, my birthday was pretty much awesome...I had a family dinner where they embarassed the crap out of me but whats new? When I got home that night my father had dropped off my present at the house...A CAR!!!!!!!!!! When I got very excited...I mean you would too right? It's a CAR!!! Then my sister proceeded to tell me that my mother was upset about it so as not to make such a big deal out of. I mean come on! How unfair is that! My father biught me a car and I am suppose to downplay it cause it makes my mother feel bad?

Anyway this past weekend I spent it with my best friend. She met my mother and sister and me at IHOP at like midnight to get...I think she likes me ;) We went back to her house and made an awesome video and then had a guset and stayed up till....5? Yea, so she woke me up with pancakes on Saturday morning and the wisked me away to a surprise. Yes, she actually blindfolded me in the car so I couldnt see where we were going. We get to our destination and it was Aveda. We had facials and manis and pedis...it was pretty much AWESOME! <3 I had so much fun! Then we hung out a bit, went to dinner where she told them it was my bday so they sang to me and we got free ice cream! She did that at IHOP too by the way...not purposly there tho, they overheard. Anyway...We went back to her apartment to get ready for Indy night at Big Daddy's. BEST NIGHT EVER!!! I cant wait to go back!!! We got to bed at abou 2 Sunday morning. We woke up and I got to go back to the BEST CHURCH EVER! Genesischurch.tv. I miss it so much! I cant wait till I get my lisence cause I am returning to my church!

Okay, it's like 2 30 in the morning...I have to be up in like...ugh...4 hours...still havent been to sleep. See, it's fun to be up at this time when I want to be...but I dont! I want to be asleep...so, I have to work again Friday night, then from there I am going to Borders to the Twilight party...Hello Twilight freak party of one! Then I am gonna spend all day Saturday in front of the TV watching it...Yea right! Like I will be lucky to watch it one time with the people living n my house...I dont get this...technically I can move out...and if they keep treatin me like this I will. No joke, I will find someone else to live with...I have already had a couple offers. I just need to figure out the money situmation...eggs-freakin-zachly...this makes no sense...Im gonna quit while Im not...totally lost in my thought...

Amanda Bynes buggs me...it's just like...whats her name????? Melissa Joan Hart...They are too...Giggly or something. I dont get how girls like that can get a guy but girls who actually have a brain connected to their bodies cant. That leads me to my next pt...on an earlier blog I may have mentioned my decision to not date...well I am rethinking it...I will keep you posted as it comes along...

Well, I am off to bed...hopefully...yea, Im gonna go watch Amanda Bynes and imagine throing freach fries at her head...NO pretzels...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I do what I want.

I am so exhausted I can't sleep...Tonight I found out that my sister, and possibly my mother, are taking me to Stetsons the Friday after my bday. I am pretty excted about that. And then from there I am going to my best friends house for what ever she has planned for my bday. Even though I told her not to get me anything or do anything for my bday...she doesn't listen ;) I am having dinner with my whole family on my bday, with the exception of Brooke who has to work late that day :( Of course it's on my bday when she should be spending it with me...anyway, I am looking forward to it because my whole family will be there and yes I mean my whole family! Dad included...YAY!!!

On a lighter...sillier...sleep-deprived note I heard a saying a couple days ago that I cannot get out of my head no matter how much I try...it goes something like this "Mess this up again and I will buy a hamster and set it loose in your pants." How amazing is that line? I want to be in on a plan with someone so I can use the line, or I can just use it in random conversations and confuse the crap out of people, which I do alot anyway...but seriously...imagine setting a hamster loose in someone's pants. How funny would they look trying to get it out...Like in sweatpants of someting so they are tight at the top and around the ankles so it would be almost impossible for the thing to get out. Then imagine them running down the street trying to rip their pants off...HAHAHA!!! Arrested for indecent exposure....Speaking of...I got a text that said if you saw me in the back of a police cruiser what would you think I got arrested for...you know what most people said about me? Prostitution...am I atleast a high class prostitue or am I like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Oh my gosh if I am like Julia Roberts dont tell me!!!

I am going on and on about nothing in paticular...none of this prolly makes any sense...I am just hoping I dont wake up my nephew...why would you put the computer next to the baby's room? Seriously? The key board is really loud...When he is asleep no one can use it...except me cause I dont care if he wakes up cause I am not the mother...Yes, contrary to what people believe I am not the mother! I am the Aunt and should not have to take on the responsibilities of a mother at 17..almost18 years old if it is not my child...which it is not....

I realize I am a minor...for 4 more days, but do I really have to listen to everyone else's take on my life...every person in my family is telling me what THEY think I should do...drop the day job and go to college...keep the day job for 2 more years then see where you're at...BLAHBLAHBLAH!!!! I can make my own decisions thank you very much! I am not even sure if I want to go to college...I mean I dropped out of high school whats to say I wont do the same thing in college? I wasnt made for high school...maybe not college either...but then there is the argument that I will never get a good job without a degree and I will not meet the right kind of guys if I dont have a good job...Well answer to the latter one...Im not dating! Answer to the first...IDK! I can make my own decisions and I am not saying they will always be right but I will make them for myself...No one is going to affect my decision making...other than God of course...but no one else...It's my life and it's time I started living it for me!!!

YAY for me!!

So, I have been reading a new book that I got at Lifeway last weeken called "Set-Apart Femininity"...It is an awesome book so far that I have really learned alot from. I have come to the decision that I am not going to date. The decision is helped along that I never get asked out and there are no guys intrested in me...but none the less this is my decision. I am a little nervous about where it is going to lead me and the people that I am going to encounter that think I am insane but I am ready to handle it all. I have not told anyone but my best friend about the decision...but she is behind me 100%. With her and God behind me I can do anything...including this. I dont think this is going to be oober difficult...atleast I hope not. I have a bad habit of ditching things once they become to hard. But I am excited to say that this Saturday is 11 months off of a bad habit. Thats one thing I didnt quit when it became to hard...which it is REALLY hard right now but I think that is because I am doing so good at it. To anyone who has ever tried to quit anything but just got sucked back into it I would just like to say it is a WHOLE lot easier when you have someone there fighting the fight along side you...

My Best Friend

This is just a shout out to my best friend in the world. I love you soooo much! You are the best person any one could hope to know. I can't imagine where I would be without you. I love knowing that you are always there for me and ready to catch me if I fall, which is alot. I have never been this close to anyone in my life, but I know God put me here so that I could meet you. <3<3<3 I dont really have anything else to say other than I love you sooo much!!!!

POSITIVE

Positive Positive Positive!!!
<3<3<3
:)

Way to go!

So, there are a few birthdays in a persons life that should be celebrated right? I mean like REALLY celebrated. I thought your 18th should be one of those but there are some people that only want to make you miserable and not have fun. I had plenty of ideas of what I wanted to do but no, she had to shoot down every one of them. Now she is telling me that I cant do what I have been planning on doing for months. She's SOOOOOOO pissing me off! I can't take it anymore. She loves to make me mad. "OOO Jeana wants to do this? Well, let's not let her becasue I'm a B**** AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Valentines Day sucks!

What is the point? Seriously? I know it's not a holiday made up by the greeting card comapnies to sell make more money and that it is actually in history but it marks a MASSACRE! I guess murder is the ultimate crime of passion and everyone associates passion with love. CRAP!!! I hate this holiday so much and it is not helping much with my pessimism, cynisim or my depression. Everyone says that I will feel diffrently when I have a boyfriend but I can assure you I wont. I have had the best guy friends in the world and they gave me flowers and such and it never made a diffrence to me. My boyfriend and my husband are gonna b e the luckiest guy in the world because they will never have to remeber Valentines day. But with my luck I am gonna fall for a guy who loves the holiday. That is if I ever find the right guy...See? This time of year makes me so beyond depressed it takes me a while to get out of it. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I CANT WAIT UNTIL ALL THIS EFFING CRAP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep Poetic Canine

So I have come to a decision I am gonna change my life. For the past 17 years I have been very pessimistic and cynical. I have made a decision to not be anymore. I have been making some serious changes in my life lately and since I am changing a few things I thought I would change more. This is my 2009 challenge to myself.

Best Weekend EVER!

This was an awesome weekend! First off I got to hang out with my best friend Friday night and Saturday morning. We went to First Friday, which I have never been to before. I saw alot of people that I could have gone without seeing for the rest of my life but aside from that it was cool. Then I met some really cool people that I would totally love to hang out with. Then we went back to her place with another friend and rented Get Smart. TOTALLY worth it. It was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen...but parents beware, it is kinda raunchy!!! But amazing! We fell asleep around 2 30ish. But we got to sleep in which I never get to do! Being woken up by the sun rather than a screaming nephew or an annoying family member is amazing. Soemthing I never thought I would experience again. At lunch that day my mother called me and told me that if I wanted to I could find someone to spend the night with and go to my church in the morning. The church we are no longer attending because they moved...W/E!!! I was so excited!!! I got to surprise my other best friend by telling her that I got to go home with her. She was so excited! I love suprising people.
Church this morning was AMAZING! I know God was behind me going there today becuase it was exactly what I needed to hear in my place. PB is awesome! He really knows how to stick someone in their place if you know what I mean. There is no one like him! <3
Also at church this morning I loved seeing the surprised looks on everyones face because I was there. I felt loved also because they were all telling me that they were glad I was there. This is my home. And I also got the satisfaction of seeing...someone's...eyes almost pop out of their head because of what I was wearing. I never wear dresses or flats. Its always jeans, shirts and flip flops or tennis shoes. This was another surprise for everyone. But I especially liked this reaction oout of this person. It was very...satisfying. Thats the only thin that could have made this weekend better...this person.

<3<3<3

1st no Tuesday.

This is my first Tuesday EVER that I am missing Diverge for another reason other than I am sick. There is nothing wrong with me BUT I'm not there. I dont really know how exactly I feel about that. Im sad because I am gonna miss everyone SO much, but in another sense, I dont feel like I belong there anymore. Some people have expressed the opinion that it had to do with someone in paticular and in truth it does...Me. Everyone there is great and they invest so much time in the teenagers of Diverge but I feel like I am being pulled in a diffrent direction then Diverge and teenagers. I love my two best friends for supporting me in this decision. They completely understand and then I found out that they are feeling the same way! God does work in mysterious ways. A year ago I would have told you I was never leaving Diverge and that I was going to go to Lee university and become a youth pastor. Now, I cant even imagine doing that with my life. it's like one night God said "Sike!!!" Now I am lost. Wondering around trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Well, on a slightly less...On a diffrent note. I am going to get my learners permit tomorrow. I know I know...Im almost 18 years old but look, I cant get my licence until I get a car. And that is gonna be a while. So, I figure I might as well get some practice in before I start driving on my own.

This is another boring blog from the mind of me...WOOHOO!!!!!!

First

Well.....This is just another thing I can add on to my list of things I do when I am bored. And this is a boring post.

I <3 Jenny Davis!!!