Free to be Me

AERNFAWLESDFMNAW;OESF/LJANVW;SOL/CJANERW;TFLJAWEKF;LJA BIT; RILKTQWUEAG WLKCVLKUETJ WGP;BLMCPQ;OWTUWOEH TWUEIRTHWOI OE WQ OE;THWKAEBF;JF;LAISHRJ;WERG;LJESTIUWESHDGV;JSRLKJJD;GWESRTGJSEGTIHJESGNSLEOI;TJESRGJSEDFGU;IDSLJGNEISUTJESIRUT
ITJGKSERNG;LDSJTSDJFGLKWAETIGJSD;KRLJTRHLSDJGTF;AWSDJGKSEBTHG;LJ;RTAJESD;F


Now that I got that out of my system...I have nothing really to say other than just once I would like to report something positive on here...but nothing positive ever happens. I'm sick of it. I want to be happy...yes, I know that God doesn't want us to be happy...you had to be at PB service a few weeks ago to understand, but I would at least like a Lil bit of joy. I think the only way I can get that is to get away for at least a weekend...but that will never happen. I can't even get away for a day. I am always working. There are just so many things in my life right now that's crap I don't want to spill it all on here. I feel like I have no one anymore. Seriously. I can;t remember the last time I saw/had a real convo with my best friend. A text every now and then and a few mins on AIM the other day. That's not a real relationship...Relationships suck! I am just so tired of everything in my life right now...

Sorry to sound so emo, but right now that is how I am feeling...seriously emo...

Come to Haunt me

Everyone has those things in your past that you regret right? Well I am good at not thinking about them and blocking them out so I only remember them if I want to. Well today a memory...a few actually...entered my already weak psyche...or however you spell it. I was reading one of my old journals and was reminded of a mistake I made in high school, ninth grade year to be exact. Now at the time I didn't see it as a mistake...well a few days later I did cause I almost got the crap kicked out of me but whatever. But I never thought anything of it. Now I tell 2 people in the whole world everything. But this is something I can't even tell them. I have no clue why I am going off about this...it's just. I haven't found anything up till now in my life that I couldn't tell them. It's not even like...OOBER bad...well it is in my eyes. I can't even believe I did that.........Okay, that's a lie. I know EXACTLY why I did it. But why did it have to come out now? I wanted to read my old journal, but why today? There was so much stuff in there that...I don't believe I wrote. Totally looking back on my life I can't believe I am here today. I don't deserve anything that I have in my life. My friends and my relationships. Nothing I did can make me deserve all of this...

Speaking of being undeserving. Today is the day that Christ sacrificed HIS life for us. We did not and never will deserve what He did for us. WOW! I mean right? He's amazing!!! He was sinless...but He came to earth as a human and went through enormous amounts of torture and died on a Cross for us...US. We were/are sinners and still He died for us. How can you not love Him? I don't get it!!!

+

I'M SUCH A WHORE!!!!

Nerdy Pickle!

Well now, this is fun. It is 12 30 in the morning and I am sitting in the dark playing on my computer. Why you ask...I don't know! I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, but I just can't. There is too much stuff going on in my mind right now. But everyone I know is sane and are in bed right now. I have to be the retarded one that sits in the dark writing a blog to herself.

Question : How sad is it that I get butterflies when I talk to someone on the computer? And if you are reading this and you think it is you you are wrong...and vain. But you probably aren't reading this because you like my best friend. At least that was the consensus last time I checked but I think he likes my other best friend who is, ironically, the same girl that the other guy I like likes...if that makes sense. I hate...no, I loathe talking about myself but I can live with it when I am talking to myself and chances are no one is going to read this...nope, that's a lie I know one person that will read this and hopefully I am making no sense so I don't have to talk about it. I'm tired of thinking about it. I just want to move on with my life...is that too much to ask?


Apparently!


Let me think...I need to do something for myself. Really. I want to get out of here for alil while and be someone different. I don't want to be Jeana Lombardi. I want to be...the complete opposite if me. Just for a little while. Escape the crap hole that has become my life and relax. Something I never do anymore. I am working 24/7. ;LIERGJESRGHAEKRGFSEGJBSERGJES;RGAEGEJRGJVLEKVHNSELGBSE;RIGNERGSERGJBVEGNESKGN!!!\

Does this sound weird to you? I don't get my hopes up when I meet someone new because chances are they don't keep me in their life's long enough to say a full sentence. My friend thinks I'm being ridiculous...but do you know how bad it hurts when one day you have a lot of friends and then the next you're like a social pariah? It hurts...bad. I have blocked myself off from ever getting hurt like that again. That's not crazy right? You learn from your past and you make precautions for the future. That's what I'm doing. I am guarding my heart. No one knows all there is to know about me...Hell, I don't even know all there is to know about me. and I'm me!

This is so stupid. I don't write for a couple days and then it's along blog about nothing and me complaining about my life. I just needed something to do. I'm waiting...for someone I shouldn't be waiting on...this is not guarding my heart well. Prepare for war heart...we're about to fit another. There's just gonna be one more crack to putty up. you know what they say..."Time and a couple day laborers heals all wounds"...

STUPID NERDY PICKLE!!!

ONE YEAR!!!

So, pain equals no sleep for me. I cannot get comfortable because I am burned on the most awkward places. Like my back and shoulders and legs so I can't get comfortable. This is leaving me loads of time to think...about everything. My life is out of whack. Seriously. I can't seem to get a handle on anything. I have never been an emotional person...but now, I cry at everything. I have read a book numerous times and have never had a problem with it. I just finished it again and by the time I hit "The End" I had tears streaming down my face...and it wasn't even sad...it was happy. Now, I know what you are thinking..."it's a female thing...all women are over-emotional" But it's not. I was brought up believing that if you cried you were weak...I have grown out of this belief once I found my belief in Jesus but I still don't cry too much. But lately...JEEZ! It's getting ridiculous! I'm sure it would be better if my life wasn't so crappy but...

My relationships...with everyone, my family and my friends and even my relationship with
Jesus...is seriously lacking. Everything seems to be distant. I can't muster up the excitement that I used to have for reading the Bible and studying His word. I hate it! I want it so bad. I never get the things I want and I guess that is what the Devil is playing into. But on the brighter...side, today is exactly ONE YEAR for me...breaking a habit is hard, I mean really hard, but I am one year today...technically at about 8 tonight but...still. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in the past year! I love you!!!!

Okay, one last thing. If you know me you know that I love Twilight. I was watching Twilight the other night during one of these really bad storms, it calms me, and I realized something. I don't believe in Fairy Tales, at all. The knight in shining armor and him swooping in to save the damsel in distress (however you spell it...you know what I'm talking about)...CRAP. I have been trying to lately. Really. There is a book out called "How to keep a Princess Heart in a not-so-Fairy-Tale-world" Or something to that effect. Anyway, it talks about how women, no matter what age or place in their lives, always hope for their knight to come in and save them. You really need to read the book. I am cynical, still, but again I am working on it. I thought this thing was crap. But it's not. I want man to come in and save me. Obviously not like I'm in quicksand and I need him to pull me out...Though honestly that is where I feel right now. But I want him to come in and save me!!! As I was watching Twilight I wanted that kind of romance. I mean, he loves her so much that he will give his life to make her safe. He would give up his own life for her. he is putting himself in pain because he wants to be with her so bad. And, leave it up to me to find this similarity-most of you will either not see it or not agree with me-but I see it as what Jesus did for us. He loves us SO MUCH that He gave His life so that we could live with Him everyday. That's Love!!! And I realized, you know what? I have that kind of romance. With God. There is no romance that's any better. He has come in and saved me like no one else can. I am not cynical of His love for me. I know I don't deserve it but I know He loves me anyway. That's more than anyone could ever ask for.